Bizarre Love Triangle of DOOM
by animeninjaNIPPON
Summary: [stupid, unoriginal title, I know but who cares?] Zim concocts a love potion in an attempt to take over the world, but Dib gets wind of it and tries to stop him... and why is Gir acting stranger than usual? [slash alert]
1. Substance

By animeninjaNIPPON

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Invader Zim. I have volume 2 of the DVDs, but that doesn't qualify. All of the chapter titles are Joy Division/New Order songs – I don't own them, either. Sorry if this is a little OOC – I'm not Jhonen Vasquez, I just play him on TV. (j/k)

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"AHAHAHAHA!" came the maniacal laughter of the Irken Invader Zim. He held up a corked test tube filled with a pink-and-white swirly gas. "With this 'infatrodisiac,' the stupid humans will have their stupid Earth-feelings used AGAINST them, causing ZIM to destroy them!"

Gir popped up next to Zim to eye the tube. "OOOO, pretty colors!" He reached out a robotic hand to touch it.

"No, Gir!" Zim protested. "This is for the human Earthstinks – I, ZIM, will administer this 'infatrodisiac' to the filthy creatures, and they will fall in love with ME, and do WHATEVER I command!" He laughed again.

"Aww, how sweet," Gir cooed.

"I have studied these EARTH-MONKEYS for a long time," Zim continued, pacing over to his elevator. "All I have to do is put this on them – "he went up the elevator, followed by Gir – "and make sure I'M the first thing they see after the smoke clears, which will be EASY when I – "

"Not so fast, ZIM," came the voice of an intruder. Zim looked at the character in question – black trench coat, blue shirt with a gray smiley-face, the intent to foil Zim's evil plans – naturally, it had to be Dib.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Zim ordered, pointing to the front door.

"I won't let you use that love-potion-thingy on innocent humans," Dib announced, feeling somewhat stupid for saying something so corny.

"What do YOU care?" Zim snapped. "And it's not a 'love-potion-thingy.' It's ZIM'S 'infatrodisiac'!"

"Don't you mean 'aphrodisiac'?" Dib corrected.

"NOOO! It is my 'INFATRODISIAC,' foolish human, and don't forget it! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

As Zim gloated, Dib sprang for the test tube. "Give it up!" he yelled. They began a power struggle for the tube.

"Gir! Stop him!" Zim ordered.

Gir's sky blue eyes turned red and narrow. "Yes sir!" He jumped on top of both boys, releasing the cork in the tube.

"Huh?" Dib released the tube. The concoction turned to liquid and fell upon Gir's metal head…

"NOOOOOOO!" Zim wailed.

KA-BOOOOM!

_End of part one_


	2. Fine Time

By animeninjaNIPPON

All three of them froze as the smoke cleared. Out of the blue, Zim broke the silence. "Stupid Dib-worm! It took me DAYS to create that 'infatrodisiac'!" He turned to Gir, whose eyes were red and narrow. "Get him!"

Gir stared at Dib for a few minutes. Then his eyes took the shape of hearts and he burst into a smile.

"I LOVE YOU, DIB!" he squeaked, clinging onto the object of his affection. Dib cried out in shock and stepped back, trying in vain to shake off the little lovesick robot.

"Hmm, this is better than I thought," Zim mused, ignoring the scene before him. "If I can make a SIR fall in love with a human, then maybe…GIR! COME WITH ME!" He snatched Gir off of Dib's torso, dragging him across the room.

"NOOOO!" Gir wailed, struggling to break free.

"And as for you…" Zim turned to Dib.

WHAM! Dib landed with a thud just outside of Zim's house. The temporarily defeated boy got up and went home.

Back in the depths of Zim's base, the little Invader was busy making up a new love potion, as well as an antidote in case something else went terribly wrong. Gir, however, sat in the center of the lab, bawling like a baby. This frustrated Zim so much that he accidentally crushed the purple-and-white antidote held in his gloved hand to smithereens.

"GIR!" he yelled, shooting an angry glance in Gir's direction. "Stop that INSANE racket!"

"Dib is GOOOOOONE, and I'll never see him AGAAAAAIN!"

"Oh, we'll see that stinkbeast again," Zim grumbled contemptuously, carefully corking the new test tube and putting it away.

That night, Dib had trouble sleeping. He turned over restlessly, opened his eyes and came face-to-face with a sleeping Gir. Dib's blood-curdling scream of shock caused all the lights in the neighborhood to go on.

Zim, too, was stirred from his rest by this noise, and when he noticed that Gir was gone, he put two and two together and set out (in human guise) to retrieve the "missing" robot. As soon as he opened the front door, however, he was met by Dib, still in his pajamas, and Gir.

"Tell your perverted robot to leave me alone," he growled, holding out Gir with one hand. Gir gave a love struck grin.

"Everything is going according to plan," Zim said deviously.

"What are you talking about?" Dib snapped. "Your plan was to make humans fall in love with you and become your slaves, not to make that – THING – develop an obsessive crush on me!"

"LIAR!" Zim yelled, snatching Gir out of Dib's hand and tossing him indoors. "You know nothing of my plans! NOTHING!" With that, he slammed the door.

End of part two


	3. Blue Monday

By animeninjaNIPPON

The following morning at skool, Dib couldn't stay awake. Zim was rather pleased.

Ms. Bitters began a horrible lecture about horrible doom, but Dib couldn't pay attention. Ms. Bitters noticed this.

"Dib!" she yelled. "No sleeping in class!"

"But Ms. Bitters," Dib tried to explain, "Zim's alien robot is in love with me, and he – I mean IT – kept me up all night – "

He was cut off by a roar of dirty-minded laughter.

"So, Dib, you like ROBOTS!"

"Do you love it back?"

"Does it have a sister?"

"Was ZIM there, too?"

At that last remark, Zim jumped on top of his desk and announced, "I am a perfectly NORMAL Earth-boy! I have NOTHING to do with the Dib's little… EXPERIMENTS!" He sat back down.

"Oh yes," he added, climbing back on top of his desk, "I DON'T have an alien robot! I'm NOT AN ALIEN! I am a NORMAL EARTH-BOY!" With that, he sat down again.

Dib turned his head away in shame, looking out the window. The windows had been boarded up, but through a medium-sized hole in one of the planks he could see the unmistakable face of Gir.

"There he is!" Dib stood up and pointed to the hole. By this time, though, nothing was there.

"Dib, stop interrupting my class," Ms. Bitters ordered.

When skool got out that afternoon, Dib was paranoid and nervous (well, even more so than before). He frantically glanced around to make sure he wasn't being stalked by you-know-who, then ran home as fast as his legs would carry him.

Meanwhile, Zim was back in his base, conversing with the Tallest via computer-phone. He relayed his plan to enslave the humans by making them fall in love with robots that would lead them back to Irk, and the Tallest desperately tried to hold back fits of hysteria.

Gir floated into view. "He loves me, he loves me not…" he mused, pulling petals off a daisy.

Tallest Red almost choked with laughter. "And the HUMANS fall in love with the…" he couldn't take it anymore – he fell off-camera laughing.

"Gotta go!" Purple said quickly, about to burst himself. They cut the transmission.

"He loves me, he loves me not…"

"Gir, STOP THAT!" Zim commanded.

"OK, Master." He ate the flower.

End of part three


	4. Temptation

By animeninjaNIPPON

_Siiiigh…_

Dib sat alone in his room, desperately trying to figure out why his life was so screwed up. The easiest thing for him to do was to blame Zim, but thinking back past the day Zim walked into his life he realized that he was miserable and jaded then, too. Back then, nobody paid any attention to him. He was always the last to be picked for sports and projects, if he was even lucky enough to get picked at all (which he usually wasn't). In fact, the only times anyone ever really noticed Dib were when Zim called him to attention, but those times were always negative. Then again, there's no such thing as bad publicity… right?

As sick and weird as it sounded, Dib was actually enjoying Gir's attention – just a little. It was sort of nice to have someone care, even if it was a shallow, vain infatuation. But in all reality, he didn't want it. To him, love wasn't supposed to be some obsessive, touchy-feely disease. To him, love meant more – and he wanted any relationship he had to actually mean something.

However, that was only part of the reason. The deep, dark truth was that he liked someone else – someone who felt his pain, understood him, and was compatible with him. But he knew that person would never feel the same way, so he tried not to think about it much.

_Siiiigh…_

This time it was not Dib who sighed, but the little neurotic SIR unit next to him. Dib didn't scream bloody murder, but instead turned to Gir and spoke:

"So, what are your interests?"

"I like PIGGIES! Piggies are PURPLE!" Gir replied, giggling.

_OK,_ thought Dib, _he clearly has no personality. But still, he has the ability to be manipulated by the power of affection… _Dib's mind trailed off as Gir curled up next to him, squeezing him tightly. Something compelled Dib – loneliness or libido, who knows? – to hug back. He felt like he was embracing a cold, metallic plushie. But Gir was a lot more exited…

"Kiss me!" Gir squeaked.

"What?" Dib let go. "But – but we don't even know each other that well!"

"Kiss me!" Gir repeated, standing up to face his crush.

"Let's just be… friends or whatever," Dib suggested lamely. Gir's eyes narrowed and reddened, then he cooled off and replied, "OK!" with a little hug.

It wasn't so bad being with Gir. Sooner or later, Dib would need to return the robot to his rightful owner, and that would mean the chance to see the object of _Dib's _affection – Zim.

End of part four

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I know, it gets weird – that's why it's a _bizarre _love triangle. Don't think this is the end, though…

animeninjaNIPPON


	5. Bizarre Love Triangle

By animeninjaNIPPON

The doorbell rang. "Gir, get that!" Zim ordered while building a giant thingy of some sort.

No answer.

"Gir!" This time, Zim looked around. His eyes narrowed. "Not again!"

He donned his disguise and went to open the door. Sure enough, it was Dib… holding hands with Gir?

Upon seeing this, Zim became enraged. "Gir, get away from that stinkbeast!" he commanded, trying to pull the little SIR unit inside. Gir latched onto Dib's arm with both hands and screamed like a howler monkey. Zim tugged with all his strength, managing to heave both Gir and Dib through the door. Gir landed on top of Dib, who landed conveniently on top of Zim. Dib blushed from the close contact with his enemy as Zim tried to push everyone off.

"Get…off…me…DIB-WORM!" Zim used all remaining force to shove the two seem-to-be lovers off of him. They went flying across the room. "You better have a good explanation for THIS!"

"Explanation for WHAT, Zim?" Dib asked in confusion. "I was just bringing your robot back."

"You SEDUCED him, you stupid… DIB-MONKEY!" Zim pointed a convicting finger at his rival. "Or he seduced YOU! I don't KNOW! Gir doesn't REALLY love you – it's just the 'infatrodisiac'!"

"Isn't this what you wanted?" Dib asked as Gir evasively embraced him. "I thought you wanted to make humans fall in love with robots so you could –"

"SHUT UPPP!" Zim lunged at his rival, pinning him to the wall. _How does he know all this?... wait a minute, he's EXTRACTING INFORMATION FROM GIR! _He narrowed his eyes and held up a fist. "You think you're SO clever, taking advantage of Gir in order to get info on me… WHICH IS HORRIBLY INACCUATE!"

"I didn't get anything out of him – or her – or it…" Dib turned his head to Gir, who smiled sweetly. "What are you, anyway?"

"I'm… TAQUITOS!" Gir exclaimed randomly as he jumped onto Dib, burying his little metal face into Dib's chest.

"I'm guessing he's male," Zim mused, "but sometimes – HEY!" He tore Gir away from Dib. "Stop that, NOW!"

"OK, Master…" He slumped to the floor and busied himself with a toy piggy, occasionally glancing up at the big-headed boy in the trench coat.

"And stop leaking our plans to the Dib!"

"He didn't say anything," Dib corrected. "I got it from you. I know how you think. I can decipher it from your speeches – "

"That's NONE of your business! GET OUT! GO HOME!" He threw Dib to the floor, and Gir got up to comfort his love interest. "And take Gir WITH you, for all I care!"

"But Master – "

"LEAVE!"

As Dib turned to leave, reluctantly taking a sobbing Gir with him, he noticed a look of sorrow on Zim's face.

End of part five


	6. Love Will Tear US Apart

By animeninjaNIPPON

Zim sat in the center of the room, alone and betrayed. _Of all the stupid, stinking HUMANS to fall victim to my plans, I never expected the DIB-WORM to be the first. He seemed so…DIFFERENT than the others…and Gir – what's up with HIM? Oh no… _Zim stood up in mid-thought, eyes widening. _I can't complete my mission without Gir!_

"Nobody puts one over on ZIM!" he suddenly announced, pointing a finger to the heavens melodramatically. "I'm going to END this ONCE AND FOR ALL!"

Meanwhile, Dib sat on the end of his bed, sighing in confusion. Zim had overreacted more than usual when he saw Dib and Gir together like that, but it wasn't Dib's fault – Gir had grabbed his hand just as Zim opened the door. When Zim flipped out, Dib wondered…

_Was Zim jealous? Nah, that can't be. It's just wishful thinking – wishing that Zim didn't hate me so much – _

Dib's thoughts were broken by Gir jumping onto him and knocking him backwards. "I love you!"

"No you don't," Dib corrected him, "you don't even know why you're attracted to me."

"You're pretty." Gir cuddled up against Dib.

Dib tentatively placed a hand where Gir's shoulder would be, thinking, _Am I actually falling for him? Nah, it's just rebound emotion. Wait, REBOUND? That's not right…_

Gir looked up at his companion. "Dib, why do you hate me?"

"I don't hate you."

"Then you love me!" He grinned, squeezing Dib.

"No, I – I don't know." Dib pushed Gir aside and stood up. "Do you even know what love is?"

"I love you."

"Love is when you understand someone, and know them better than anyone else… it's an electrifying feeling whenever that special someone comes near… it's caring about someone… shoot, I dunno…" Dib tried to find better words to describe "love," but came up empty. "All I know is… I… I think… I love Zim." He clasped his hands over his mouth, but the deep dark secret had already escaped into the night. He glanced over at Gir, but the little robot had gone into some sort of sleep mode. Not wanting to disturb him, Dib grabbed a pillow and opted to sleep on the floor.

End of part six

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I hope that wasn't too OOC or anything. I rewrote this chapter twice, and this was the best I could come up with. Well, there's still one chappie left to go…

animeninjaNIPPON


	7. Closer

By animeninjaNIPPON

Dib woke up, shivering. He got up and walked over to his bed to check on Gir, but to his surprise, Gir was gone!

"Gir?" Dib checked under his bed, inside his closet, and beneath a pile of clothes for the missing SIR, but had no luck finding him.

He walked into the living room, where his sister sat on the couch playing a handheld video game. "Hey Gaz, have you seen a little metal robot anywhere?"

She shrugged, still playing the game. Dib went back to his room. He felt a chill, then realized that the window had been smashed open.

"Zim…"

back at said alien's base, Zim had tied Gir down while he worked diligently on some chemical.

"At LAST!" Zim announced, holding the finished product above his head. It was a swirling purple-and-white concoction – the "infatridote." "Say goodbye to your affections for the Dib," he said, and with that, dumped the potion onto Gir's head.

"AHA!" Zim cried with excitement, "victory for ZIM!"

"ZIM!" yelled the distant voice of Dib, "what have you done with Gir?"

"That little menace will NEVER look at you in desire AGAIN!" He cackled insanely. "Thanks to my 'INFATRIDOTE,' he no longer feels ANYTHING for you that he did while under the influence of the 'INFATRODISIAC'!"

"You didn't…"

Zim eyed Dib weirdly. "What did you see in him?"

"I never felt anything ROMANTIC for him," Dib replied, "I just liked having someone around that liked me."

"And you said I was wrong to toy with LOVE?"

"NO! Not like that!" Dib turned away and murmured through embarrassment, "I mean, it was nice to have a friend."

"Foolish human! Love and friendship are just WORDS! Euphemisms for SLAVERY!"

"You're wrong, Zim. I'm not like other humans, you know."

"I know."

Dib turned around in shock at his enemy's reply. Noting Dib's curiosity, Zim continued caustically, "You're EVIL! Nobody ELSE cares what I do, but YOU go out of your way to make MY LIFE miserable!"

"You're trying to conquer MY PLANET!"

"FORGET YOUR STINKING PLANET!" Zim marched up to Dib. "It's my JOB, OK? But what have I done to YOU PERSONALLY to make you HATE me so much?"

Dib lightened up. "Well… I guess…nothing."

"Huh?" That wasn't the answer Zim was expecting to hear.

Dib grabbed Zim's hand, causing the alien's eyes to widen. "I don't really hate you…"

Fifteen minutes later, Gir untied himself and got up. He looked up to see his Master and his ex-paramour holding each other tightly in a romantic embrace. Apparently, they had done some talking…

"Aww, how sweet," Gir cooed.

End of part seven

End of story

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Well, thus ends Bizarre Love Triangle of DOOM. I purposely left some stuff to the imagination… but nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. Thank you!

animeninjaNIPPON


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